And where I’ve been for the past few years…
My friend, Ariel, from PMQ for Two posted something recently about clarifying what the purpose of our blog is about to the reader every once in a while. It got me to thinking that I have let my little blog fall to the wayside for far too long, and I need to make some changes around here… recommit to it. Start BLOGGING again. I know it’s basically been radio silence for the past few years, and for that, I’m sorry. Let me explain…
The few long time readers of my blog will remember when I used to post a few times a week. I had such a good time making all kinds of things, and learning all kinds of new skills and discovering new blogs and ideas. I call that time my “before the girls were adopted” period. It’s funny that I think of my life as two separate periods, before and after their arrival in our lives, but it’s kind of become the point I can trace back to when all the things started to pile up on my brain, and my creativity and passion for blogging and DIY, died.
Adopting from foster care is hard. Not the actual legalities of adoption itself, because for us, that went pretty smoothly, but the integration of the kids into our lives. It’s a massive change for everyone; me and my husband individually and separately, the kids, our biological kids, our families, our friends. And it broke me. It broke all the preconceived notions I had of myself – how much I could love, how much patience I had, who I was as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a person.
It took me three years, and a very concerned family physician, to finally get my arse to a therapist that did more than tell me that “you’re a great person, and you’re fabulous, and just to give yourself a break”. Because I wasn’t. That kind of therapy is all good and fine for someone “just” having adjustment issues, but I needed more than that. A lot more. In my head, and in real life sometimes too, I was horrible. I hated myself. I wanted to run away at least once a day, and I was pretty sure I ruined everyone’s life. What I needed was someone to tell me I was suffering from major depression, and that it wouldn’t all just go away on its own. That it was more than just feeling sorry for myself. And then help me to get the help I needed.
I tried a few medications, but when the side effects were worse than my mind telling me how horrible I was, I decided to try TMS. Don’t get me wrong, the medications allowed me to start working towards where I needed to go, but the constant insomnia, sweating, exhaustion and weight gain was too much for me to ignore or accept as my new “normal” in exchange for feeling better.
Transcranial magnetic stimulation – or TMS – gave me back my life. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t want to get into exactly what it does or how it works, but this is the link to the website for the machine that is used, which will give you all the information you need about it. Click here. It was a life changer, and I am eternally grateful for it’s existence. Feel free to ask questions about it, by the way. I don’t mind sharing information about it, just don’t want to make this post all about TMS.
Just to clarify something that might be misconstrued above… my girls are great. I’m pretty sure we’ve been gifted with two of the most amazing, sweet, loving, funny girls you could ever imagine. They were never the problem – it was totally me. They are such a blessing in our lives, and I wouldn’t change anything now. But it would have been great to have found a counselor from the beginning to help work through all the issues and not have my worries swept under the rug every time I sought help. That’s one of the downsides to adopting through the foster system… the support systems are pretty much gone, or underwhelming, after you finalize the adoption. We need more counselors that work with adoptive families to help cope with the “after” of adoptive life. And that’s all I’m going to say about that…
So, now that I’m finally feeling like myself again, I have decided to start back to blogging and taking on projects and testing out pins… All the things you come here for, right? I really hope you’ll join me as I slowly figure out just what direction I want to go with the blog. Or maybe you can give me some suggestions as to what you’d like to see here – what makes you come back? I’m open to suggestions!
One of the things I plan to do is to start posting some of my favorite pins each week. Since we are in the middle of a pretty massive renovation for our newest house, most of what I’m looking at right now is kind of specific to the new decor over there. And since this is our biggest, most extensive reno ever, I’m learning a lot about the systems that go into running a house, so I might post a bit about that too… maybe.
And lastly, besides kicking depression to the curb, I’ve really started focusing on taking better care of me. At 45, it’s so important to get my crap together now before it becomes harder to turn things around (like this dang weight gain) or leads to long term problems. I plan on sharing some of what I’m doing with regards to diet, exercise and preventative care.
Thanks for stopping by, and continuing to come back even though I haven’t been super active. I appreciate it more than you can know.
If you’re interested in our adoption story check out these links.